


I Still Care

by Nightrebel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Regulus Black Dies, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28525197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightrebel/pseuds/Nightrebel
Summary: Sirius' reaction to Regulus' death.No Romance. Just Angst. One-shot.
Kudos: 35





	I Still Care

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what possessed me to write this, but here it is. Sirius and Regulus are some of my favorite characters, so this was very enjoyable to write.  
> Here goes nothing. Enjoy :)

_ Dead.  _

That's what Dumbledore said when Sirius asked about his brother. It hadn’t been a proper question. More of a lighthearted comment to James about how Regulus was such a git for joining the dark side. 

_ Let’s not speak ill of the dead,  _ Dumbledore had remarked unexpectedly.

That had been enough to make Sirius freeze. His mind stopped, as the laughter drained out of his face. James’ eyes had widened and he’d swiveled around to focus on SIrius. Who sat in the same position, his face deathly pale. 

Sirius shook his head and realized he’d finally regained his ability to speak. 

‘What do you mean  _ dead _ ?’ Sirius spat at the headmaster. 

James looked at him with wide eyes. 

Dumbledore looked at the ground grimly, ‘Regulus hasn’t been seen in months, I think it is safe to assume he has perished’. 

Sirius gritted his teeth as panic started spreading through his stomach. He glared at Dumbledore. 

_ What does he know? I’m sure Regulus is alive.  _ He scoffed to himself. 

As his next thought hit him, he frowned. 

_ Wait, why do I even care? Reg is a git.  _ Sirius told himself. 

He nodded, agreeing with his inner voice. 

The order members began to arrive, seating themselves around Sirius. Frank Longbottom tried starting a conversation with him, but Sirius’ mind was elsewhere. He sat in the middle of so many wonderful people, but he felt so utterly alone. And he didn’t even know why he felt that way. Deep in thought Sirius missed the worried glances James sent his way. 

The meeting flew by without Sirius hearing even a word. He was more focused on convincing himself Regulus was alive. 

James frowned, ‘ Sirius mate, you alright?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine’ Sirius mumbled, looking at the ground. 

There was an odd wrenching feeling in his gut. Somewhere deep inside, Sirius knew the headmaster was right about Regulus’ death. After all, when had Dumbledore ever been wrong? 

James deepened his frown, ‘ I don’t think you are’. Something flickered in his eyes, ‘How about dinner with us tonight?’ James suggested, in an attempt to cheer up Sirius. 

Sirius considered it for a moment. He did love Lily’s cooking, her food tasted like heaven. 

_ When was the last time you had dinner with Regulus?  _ The inner voice asked. 

Sirius frowned, going through his memories.  _ The night they tried to force the mark on me,  _ he realized with horror. 

‘Thanks for the offer Prongs’ Sirius smiled the best he could, ‘ but not tonight’. 

James looked at him in surprise, ‘ _ but-  _ but you love Lily’s cooking!’ he spluttered. 

‘That I do’ SIrius agreed, ‘but I just don’t feel like it tonight’

‘When have you ever  _ not  _ felt like eating?’ James gasped. 

In the end Sirius agreed to have dinner at James and Lily’s little cottage. Only after James promised him Firewhiskey after dinner. 

‘Sirius!’ Lily exclaimed upon opening the door. 

Sirius looked up from the ground, ‘hey Lily’. 

Lily frowned, ‘No witty remarks?’ she asked, clearly confused. 

‘Um-your heads on fire’ Sirius tried. 

Lily gave him a worried look, ‘Sirius, that one was old while we were still at Hogwarts’, she paused, ‘And my hair isn't  _ that  _ red’.

‘Uh- how about we go inside?’ James suggested before Sirius had the chance to say anything more. 

They all silently nodded, and entered the house.

Sirius sat down at the table, while Lily and James quietly whispered about something in the kitchen. There was no doubt in Sirius’ mind what they were talking about. 

Regulus’ death. 

_ How did he die? He was only eighteen.  _ Sirius found himself thinking. 

He shook the thought out of his head.  _ I thought I didn’t care?  _

_ I don’t. I was just curious.  _ Sirius thought. 

_ Why was I curious if I didn’t care?  _ He asked himself. 

_ Curiosity’s a sin now?  _ He argued. 

Sirius’ train of thought stopped abruptly when Lily placed a hot, steaming bowl on the table. 

Dinner was an awkward affair. No one said anything about Regulus, but Sirius got the distinct feeling it was what both his friends wanted to talk about. 

The Firewhiskey was another flood of memories. 

Before Hogwarts Sirius and Regulus had gotten along splendidly. They used to be what true brothers were supposed to be like. Not two people on opposite sides of war. 

Sirius vaguely remembered the both of them stealing a bit of their fathers Firewhiskey. It had been a test, just to see how it tasted. Back then Firewhiskey had tasted horrible. Now it was blissful. Now it was an escape from what the world had become. 

Sirius gulped down the whiskey. He felt something prickle in his eyes. He repeatedly blinked. 

_ Must be dust.  _ He thought. 

The cottage  _ was  _ quite old, dust was bound to be present.

The prickling didn’t stop. In fact it was more of a burning sensation now. Sirius gulped, he felt the same burning in his throat. His chest began to feel heavy. 

Sirius stood up suddenly. ‘Thanks for dinner Prongs, Lily’ he walked towards the door, avoiding both of their gazes. 

He pulled at the door knob and stepped out into the night. He heard footsteps following him. He had realized the burning was an indication he was going to cry. He didn’t know why. 

_ Is it because of Regulus?  _ The thought crossed his mind. 

He let go of the thought,  _ don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care, remember?  _

_ Are you sure?  _

Sirius frowned,  _ was  _ he sure? 

‘Sirius’ a voice whispered behind him. Lily was standing behind him, her eyes too were filled to the brim. 

‘Why are you crying?’ Sirius asked, frowning. 

‘I heard about Regulus’ she muttered, ‘I’m so sorry Sirius’. 

Sirius frowned while the tears continued to pool in his eyes. ‘I don’t care. He’s just another pureblood git’. 

‘But you do care’ Lily assured him. ‘I know how you feel’. 

Sirius glared at her, ‘how would you know how I feel?’

‘I have a sister too, Sirius’ Lily reminded him. ‘I hate her too. But if she died I’d really be devastated’. 

Sirius thought about it for a moment. He didn’t say anything. 

‘No matter what you say, you still care about Regulus’ Lily declared. ‘And there's nothing wrong with that’. 

Sirius looked down, and the first tear dropped. Lily’s shining eyes widened, having never seen Sirius cry. 

She walked up to him, and pulled him into a hug. Sirius sobbed onto her shoulder, Lily muttered comforting words. 

Crying felt good.

The lump in his throat was gone. His chest however stayed heavy, with guilt and grieve. 

_ I’m never going to see Regulus again.  _ He thought, the truth finally sinking in. 

‘You’ll be okay, Sirius’ Lily sighed, as her tears too fell. 

_ And he died thinking I hated him.  _ Sirius realized. 

_ You mean you don’t hate me now?  _ Regulus’ voice echoed through his head. 

_ No. I still care, Reg. I still care.  _

_ ~ Fin~ _


End file.
